With my tentative graduation date less than a year away, I know what degree I’m getting, but not a clue about the career I’m going to use it for. English applies to everything, it’s the language we speak. At least that’s what I’m hoping. I continue to take career test after aptitude test, all resulting with careers like nursing (bed pans? no, thank you), telemarketer (because I just love getting cussed out and hung up on), teacher (I hate being in school, why would I want to inflict the same pain on others?). I’m a big girl now, with big girl decisions and big girl bills. But when it comes to making what should be an easy decision, why do I still feel like a little girl?
College campuses across the nation put millions into career centers, places to help their students, and even alumnae, make connections and select a career that is best for them. Counselors are consistently on site, ready to advise and provide guidance. I’ve been to one of these, in a fit of panic, sure my ultimate destiny is to amount to nothing. They were nice at the career center, I’m sure they’ve been dealing with doubtful students since the job market went crashing down. Still, they were not able to tell me anything about myself, or lead me to any kind epiphany. As I’ve already mentioned, online career tests are as helpful for choosing a career as facebook would be. Come to think of it, facebook may be more helpful.
So in honor of my undefined future, I will now shoot down every career field I can think of.
Accounting/Finance: I still have trouble with long division, I don’t think anyone wants me doing their taxes.
Advertising: But all the best slogans have already been used.
Architecture: The hard hats would make my hair flat.
Broadcast: I’d have a hard time keeping a straight face when reporting, they’d fire me at the first commercial break.
Education: I hate school, homework, and all things related to school, and homework. Worst. Teacher. Ever.
Environmentalist: Yeah watch me go to work in my gas guzzling car with my plastic grocery bags in the back.
Fashion/Retail: I’d love this job. But I want to actually work, not spend the first 20 years of my career making coffee for others.
Film/Television/Theatre: Let’s face it, you have to be crazy to make it big, and I’m just not crazy enough.
Government: One government job per household is enough for me. My husband has this one covered.
Health Care: I despise being sick, I don’t really want to spend time around others when they’re sick.
Human Resources: I’m a big believer in the “Get Over It” campaign.
Lawyer: Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to argue, but I don’t think stomping my feet and pouting would get me anywhere.
Nannying: The only kid I have to like is my own.
Real Estate: Yes I’d love to give up my whole weekend showing people houses they probably can’t afford.
Sales: I don’t think customers would appreciate my strategy – “Just buy it, ok?!?”
Skilled Trades: Everyone should have a degree to work on leaky faucets.
Transportion: I can’t parallel park my own car, much less a 747.
Volunteer Jobs: I want to make the world a better place and everything, but the whole point of getting a job is to make money, else I’d stay home and watch Maury all day.
I now leave it in your hands, world. If you think of any jobs that I’d only be slightly miserable at, let me know.